Perversity in Men? A Mother’s Day Essay

Trista di Genova

I’ve been thinking lately about something that’s been troubling me deeply, and it happens to tie in to Mother’s Day, because it’s about fully appreciating and honoring our mothers, and importantly, women in general.

As I listen to my mother’s and friend’s stories and experience my own, my heart is heavy with this message to tell. But it must be told.

It’s about men, the perverse joy they sometimes seem to derive from undermining women, from thwarting their dreams to the many ways in which we fail to honor and respect women for their knowledge or capabilities. It’s often subtle, in the form of a verbal putdown, but it’s still the last frontier to conquer in the Battle of the Sexes: simple human communication.

No, I’m not a manhater; perhaps like other straight woman I love and care perhaps too much for what men think. I openly show my love, appreciation and respect for men, and honor the male. If I were a man-hating lesbian, I suppose I would put up with far less flak from men. But I’m not, and so usually my tendency is to nurture them, their creativity and strengths, and probably overall devote more attention to relationships with men rather than cultivating and nurturing my own, fairer sex, whom it seems, receives far less support and encouragement, and therefore likely needs it more.

Women are told to let the man feel strong; ask him to say, open a jar for you. Do women have to be debilitated, even pretending to be incapable of performing tasks to inspire men’s protective instinct, thoughtful behavior and desire to make their life easier? A superior woman is taught to be an apologist for being capable and strong. Why can’t men be impressed with our strength and wisdom? Why do they often feel intimidated, threatened, or perhaps indifferent in the company of a capable female?

My mother tells me of how one day the plumbing breaks down. She calls the plumber, he comes, tells her he doesn’t have the long ‘snake’ apparatus he needs to clean out the septic tank line, and that instead of costing her $85, the job will cost $700, since he will have to take the toilet off and so on. She cannot afford this exorbitant amount and appeals to the plumber’s boss, who nevertheless backs up his employee’s plan to basically rip off my mum. She tells him the same problem occurred some years ago, and that the snake needs to be much longer, long enough to reach the length of the septic tank to clean it out. The plumber doesn’t listen to her at all. But my brother happens to be there that day. When he says the exact same thing to the plumber, the plumber immediately not only listens to another man, but carries out the job.

I sympathized with my mum’s sense of frustration, and was reminded of it when recently hanging out with a very alpha-male Canadian friend of mine, who is also a creative collaborator and business partner. While trying to show him how to open a new window on a PC so he could manipulate several windows at once, he impatiently brushed me aside and did it the same way he was accustomed to doing it – wrong. Now I’m no hacker, but I know my computer skills are infinitely superior to his. Would he act the same way with a male friend with my computer skills, who was trying to teach him something, I wondered? “Is it just because I’m a woman you don’t want to listen to me?” I asked him, and he reluctantly admitted that to a certain extent, that was the case. I asked him to try to put gender aside for a moment, because he was wasting his AND my time. But I felt a sense of sadness that he couldn’t take me seriously, honor my gifts. Is it just because as an alpha male he is trained NOT to listen to what women have to say, even if they’re right?

You would think men would be able to learn to listen, learn to honor, learn to respect women in personal and professional relationships, if only because it’s in their best interest.

[To be fair: Actually, they can, and they do. Despite my Canook friend's recent lapse in this area, maybe I'm being too demanding, for we have lively, fruitful debates on any subject, and he has been an incredibly uplifting creative and business partner overall.]

Why can’t men seem to respect women as much as their male peers?

Last night an elder male friend of mine actually tried to prevent me from bringing out my camera and taking a photo at River Bash, ostensibly because he thought I might take a photo of him (it was actually the image of someone’s Aeroflot shirt I was after). Although he pounced on me perhaps somewhat in jest, I was furious with him, a supposedly educated, enlightened male. I thought about turning the tables. If I were his professional MALE writer/photographer friend, would he even THINK of hassling me in the course of doing my art? Not a chance, I think. Ironically, earlier that same night, I’d taken photos of this same friend with members of the band Deep Purple. He called me after the evening to ask for one of these photos; incidentally, I was the only person there with a camera.

But you know what? It’s not just men who underestimate woman’s capabilities and knowledge; women do, too. My girl-friend (in the platonic sense although that’s nobody’s business) pulled similar behavior on me last night as I was working on a series of portraits of local folk hero Scott Cook at his last show in Taiwan at Alley Cat’s in Tienmu. I also take shots of her, many of them superb and portfolio quality. She gave me dirty looks over the table as I was preparing camera settings, and shot with a glare, “What would you do if I took your camera and smashed it to pieces?” I retorted that I’d probably punch her out, and what did she think of that? She said, “Well, I guess I probably wouldn’t do it then.”

Here is my point for Mother’s Day: women and mothers alike, we must all learn to better defend our territory – what’s most important to us — tooth and nail, if necessary. It’s like that Journey song, “Be good to yourself, ‘cause nobody else will.” On the other hand, women aren’t doing men any favors by letting them get away with loutish and inconsiderate behavior; sometimes a more confrontational approach may be in order.

For Mother’s Day, I recommend going on strike in some way that in some area of your life will gain honorable treatment and respect you so rightly deserve. Starve an oppressor of some attention they habitually take for granted, exit their sphere of control or leave even, until they stop bringing you down… and promise to change. Teach the people around you to love and respect you, to take you higher. Look for ways to make the lives of your women easier; help her carry her burdens, she definitely has done it for you all your life.

If things seem intransigent, there are many ways to go on strike to get what you want, nay, NEED, in your personal, professional and intellectual life. In my case, I’m not giving these two friends photos of themselves with famous rock stars until they honor my artistic genius and stop hassling me about my art. So I get a promise they won’t hassle me anymore, but that alone is less than satisfactory. I tell them I need some written form of public praise to unruffle these feathers. Note that these are not unreasonable demands; easily fulfilled… But if they work, and they probably will since they really want these photos, my friends will be forced to mend their surly ways and begin to tangibly show their appreciation of my art.

It’s not enough to tell our oppressors to back off, “Don’t tread on me,” or even to get them to take their foot off our necks. Thanking ourselves, or “learning to love ourselves”, as others have suggested, also don’t cut it.

Women need praise for all the things we do, and are traditionally overlooked for. We need thanks, love, support, praise, encouragement, a generous spoiling from time to time, a healthy amount of appreciation, respect, honor, yes, help once in a while, heavy stuff carried, things fixed ‘round the house… and not just one day out of the year.

Tags: modern feminist issues, Mother's Day